You’re Not Obsessed With Them — You’re Disconnected From Yourself

If you can't stop obsessing about someone, if you can't stop ruminating about them, if you're waiting by the phone, waiting for their text or their call, maybe this is someone you've been

seeing who isn't investing in you at the level that you've been investing in them. Maybe this is someone who keeps

them. Maybe this is someone who keeps walking in and out of your life and you keep going back to them against your better judgment. I want you to know that

better judgment. I want you to know that this is really not about them. It's not

that you like them so much. It's not

that you need them. It's that maybe there is something inside of you that feels missing. Maybe it's that life is

feels missing. Maybe it's that life is not preoccupying you enough. And this is not a judgment. I have been where you

are. But consider that they are just a

are. But consider that they are just a metaphor for novelty, for excitement, for adventure, and that those are the

things that are sort of missing in your life. This isn't about them. This is

life. This isn't about them. This is

about your relationship with yourself and the life that you know you must lead. I worked with someone a long time

lead. I worked with someone a long time ago who couldn't get this person that she was seeing out of her head. She was

dating him on and off for about 9 10 months. In the beginning, it felt

months. In the beginning, it felt promising, but very very soon after they started seeing each other, it was very clear that this was someone who either

was not capable or not interested in really pursuing something long-term with her. And if I'm honest, it was probably

her. And if I'm honest, it was probably a combination of the two. He didn't want to let her go. He wanted to have her in his life to in the capacity that he

wanted her and she was allowing it. She

would become so obsessive about him and she tolerated way less than she deserved and she also tolerated well below her standard for herself

because she started acting in ways that were unrecognizable to herself. And so she would break up

to herself. And so she would break up with him in moments of strength. She

would finally end it because he would do something that would just be the final straw, something really disrespectful.

And then after like a few weeks, not even a month, she would just go back to him. He would come back into her life.

him. He would come back into her life.

And instead of holding that boundary firm, instead of being a warrior of her boundaries, she just kept letting him

in. And he,

in. And he, whether he was actively in her life or the times when she broke up with him, he

took up all her mental real estate. And

she had this belief that it's because that like even though things were hard, she just had such a strong connection with him. And this is something that I

with him. And this is something that I hear all the time, but that connection.

But I'm going to share with you exactly how she was able to end it once and for all with him. And that's this. When she

realized that every time she was going back to him,

it was always when she was feeling very down. She was having like little

very down. She was having like little mini existential crises where she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life.

and she felt a lot of uncertainty. She was living in a different state than her family. She

had friends, but she didn't have like structure to her day. And her work, like I said, was very uncertain. And she was

feeling that thing that we often feel as human beings as having a human experience is that she felt lost.

and he was at least familiar and he could give her that kind of connect that that connection, the

cuddling, the hug, the kiss, the sleeping together. Unconsciously,

sleeping together. Unconsciously, she would run back to him to scratch this itch

that she didn't know how to scratch for herself, which was feeling totally disconnected from her life.

And so, he was just a metaphor for what felt missing in her life. He was

also just a distraction from her having to deal with her life and creating the life that she

wanted to live. And so she recognized that she had to choose herself, which had nothing to do with villainizing him, which by the way, we could have villainized him because he just wasn't a

great guy.

But she had to take full responsibility and recognize that if she's going to live the life that she wants to live and have the kind of love that she wants

in her life, she could not do that while she was with this person and taking him back. And also

back. And also she could never find the true love that she wanted and the healthy relationship that she needed without first addressing

this in her life. Because until she did that, everyone who would come into her life would just be sort of like that distraction.

You do not have to have your life all figured out. We go through we go through

figured out. We go through we go through phases where we feel very plugged in and connected to ourselves and connected to our center and connected to family and

work and our health and then we go through different dips and valleys where we feel

disconnected or we wonder like what our purpose is or we're not feeling in flow with our life.

So, it's not about being perfect and having it set all the time, but it is about understanding that when you're obsessing over someone who you don't

actually know that well, or someone who has never really committed to you and you've never really been committed to each other, or someone who is

pro proven to be completely unavailable in every way and really just brings out even the worst in you. We think that it's because this person is so special.

We think we want them. We think we need them when the reality is is that they are a metaphor for something that's missing inside of us. And it is always

our responsibility to tend to our relationship with ourselves. And that's

not necessarily an easy thing to do.

It's a process of learning. It's a

process of identifying what's missing.

what are the needs that that need to be fulfilled that are missing in your life?

And so just remember like the person who you're obsessing about is usually the person who's not available to you. And

there almost always a metaphor for something that's missing inside of you that you need to tend to or a distraction from the real work that

you need to be doing in order to choose yourself and create the life that you want to lead.